and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
