I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
