I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
