That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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