My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
