somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
