Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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