life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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