I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
