I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
