Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
