Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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