Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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