i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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