remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
