Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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