Kiss
Puke
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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