Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
