I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
