If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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