i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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