You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
