party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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