Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
