my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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