Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
