We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
we made out on top of his cat.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
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