My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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