and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
