you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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