literally had 100 drinks last night.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
