Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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