How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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