I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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