It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
