I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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