So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
