This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
