You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
