I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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