I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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