who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Dicks are not precious.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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