he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
