I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
