Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
