You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
