Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
