I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
