Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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