I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
